Funny Stories

[jazzy]

It was out in the augrabies ... near the kalahari desert ..... and ... I needed to go to the loo ... oh crap ... I got to go to the loo now too ... be right back ....

[mjx1]

there are toilets in the desert????
_________________
"Although the constant shadow of certain death looms over everyday, the pleasures and joys of life can be so fine and deeply affecting that the heart is nearly stilled by astonishment" - Dean R Koontz

[jazzy]

yeah sure ... the desert's a bit more civilised than the city of Brussels .... oh lol
but anyway ... there were huge purple and pink lizards ... in the bath ... and behind the toilet ... a snake lay in waiting ....
so I said "no way" and headed back to camp ...
and into the shrubs .....
then ... wait .... doorbell ......

[mjx1]

doorbell its allways something
_________________
"Although the constant shadow of certain death looms over everyday, the pleasures and joys of life can be so fine and deeply affecting that the heart is nearly stilled by astonishment" - Dean R Koontz

[lilkrnboi1018]

mormons.... they are very weird.... i once had neigbors, and they're religion is a heresy... multiple wives, weird beliefs, an imposter jesus....

on another note, i thought the story was entertaining
_________________
PWNAGE!

Gotta love the Magnum (RE 0-3)
Or the Eagle (RE 3)
Leader of DEFIANCE
The grounds are soaked... with your blood!

[jazzy]

so I went into the bushes ... and I ... you know ... pee'd ... and then I heard a slight crackling of a branch ... I continued .... then something caught my eye .... that would have been my right eye ... and I sat there ... pee'in .... and about a metre away from me ... also crouched ... sat a "rooiekat" .... and she looked at me ... and I looked at her ... so there we were ... in the middle of the night ... in the wilderness .... me and a wild cat .... she was way bigger than me .... and for some weird reason or other .... I remained dead calm ... I had to get up and recover my dress code somehow ... and I had to fight a wild cat for my life ... so I started to murmur to myself .... to remain calm ... I actually managed to look at her and get up and stretch and I said something like ... damn ... gotta clean up camp before bedtime .... and I gently put my first foot towards getting away from the creature ... and she followed me ... when I put two feet forward..so did she ...somehow I got to the camp area ... with mountain lion following me .... and I literally started to pick up stuff and put it down again and I desperately tried to act normal to confuse her ... but then when I got close enough to the tent .... I did it ... I flew into the tent and finally my voice came back and I called out for help ...LOL
It was a mommy cat who was out hunting for her babies and somehow found me ... apparantly by smell ... lol ... but she didn't eat me nah ...

[Armedes]

_________________
The spartans do not ask how many....

but where!

[jazzy]

Did I mention the time I fell down the mountain backwards in the car and .... probably already did .... heheheheeeeeee

[T2]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
>worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
>unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey,"
>died peacefully at age 93.
>
>The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
>into the coffin. They put his left leg in.........and then the trouble
>began.



To those who don't know the song "The Hokey Pokey"...ask your parents.

[T2]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE




What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan




What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.





What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.





What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts





Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.





What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.







What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.








What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs









What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes









What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.









Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.








Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?



Because those men already have boyfriends.











What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you











Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.











Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.












What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.











What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"











Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.











Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.










Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.












Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.











Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.








Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"








What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?



A speech impediment







What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".















How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!











What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....







Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Phoenix]

nice jokes T2
_________________

[Dinskydude]

Yeah lol, but there werent any jokes about dutch people...
_________________

[Jort]

Well we also need jokes about Belgian peeps.

[Knight of Truth]

Why do the Dutch take a match and a rock to bed?

They use the rock to throw out the light, and they use the match to check if it is really out.


Why do Belgians take a knife when they have a race?

To cut the corners!
_________________
[img]http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/599/kot2ks1.jpg[/img]

[Dinskydude]

[Knight of Truth]

I saw it in a joke book, and there it was the dutch...







lets see...


How can you see if a farmer does a good job?

When the cows yell YEAH! instead of BOOH!*


*I know cows yell MOO, but in Dutch its BOO.
_________________
[img]http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/599/kot2ks1.jpg[/img]

[Phoenix]

no it isn't have you never heard a cow?
_________________

[T2]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's
what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and
in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go
to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife,
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Ralph , for the FIFTH Fuc.kin' time, CHICKEN!"

[T2]

Subject: Purina Diet

I was in the grocery store buying a large bag of Dog food for my dog and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog......
Duh!! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO.
I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time,
but that I'd lost 50 lbs.before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit
with tubes coming out most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes bugged out of her head.
I went on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works
is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.
The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was now enthralled with my story, particularly the tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.... I'd been sitting in the middle of the street
licking my a.ss when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to need to be carried out the door.

[Knight of Truth]