Funny Stories

[T2]

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.
After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but realize
they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says,
"You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no
beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have
eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the first Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.
Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells,
"I knew it !! ....... I'm not fucking going!!!!"

[Star Commander]

well heres mine its not a story of such but its war of the worlds reinacted in 30 secounds by some bunnys!

[url]
http://www.angryalien.com/1005/wowbuns.asp[/url]

[lilkrnboi1018]

not a story, but more of a twisted quote

A friend will help you up when you trip, but a best friend will laugh and trip you again

My version
A friend will help you up when you are shot, but a best friend will laugh and shoot you again.


_________________
PWNAGE!

Gotta love the Magnum (RE 0-3)
Or the Eagle (RE 3)
Leader of DEFIANCE
The grounds are soaked... with your blood!

[T2]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"




An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"




Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. "



Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[T2]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
"You're an as.shole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'as.shole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an as.shole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'as.shole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled
"NO!" and slammed down the phone.. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an as.shole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off
and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an as.shole." Then I hung up, and added his number
to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable
as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called As.shole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an as.shole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called As.shole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, as.shole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your as.s," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, as.shole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that
I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There
I saw two as.sholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works

[mjx1]

SO THAT WAS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAD TOO STAY IN PRINSON!!!!! LoL just kidding
_________________
"Although the constant shadow of certain death looms over everyday, the pleasures and joys of life can be so fine and deeply affecting that the heart is nearly stilled by astonishment" - Dean R Koontz

[T2]

A Jewish, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention.

The Jew, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!"

The Catholic pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That?s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course!"

[T2]

Appologies to anyone who takes offence to above story.

[Wife of a Mormon]

You are lucky me and the other sixteen wives dont know where you live, buster

[mjx1]

[Methi (hey guys!)]

"Friendship is like pi$$ing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth from it. Thank you for being the pi$$ in my pants."

[Armedes]

that's just sick...

doubt..
_________________
The spartans do not ask how many....

but where!

[lilkrnboi1018]

lol.... dats disturbing... 2 sick things combined in 1
_________________
PWNAGE!

Gotta love the Magnum (RE 0-3)
Or the Eagle (RE 3)
Leader of DEFIANCE
The grounds are soaked... with your blood!

[Armedes]

this don't happen much.. Link agreeing with caboose..(fruitcake/ lilkrnoby)
_________________
The spartans do not ask how many....

but where!

[DavAlan]

Three surgeons are bury arguing over who is the best. 1st one says "I am the best surgeon. I treated someone who lost his arm in a meat grinder, all I had to go on was several pounds of chopped meat and a shoulder blade and he became a famous pianist". 2nd one says, "I got you beat on that I saw a man who lost both his legs in a auto accident, all I had to go on were 2 severed limbs and this one became an olympic track star".
3rd one says "I got you both beat, I saw this guy who had a head on collision with a frieght train on a horse while doing coke, all I had to go on was a horses ass and a cowboy hat...

...and he became president of the United States"

[mjx1]

lol president of the united states
_________________
"Although the constant shadow of certain death looms over everyday, the pleasures and joys of life can be so fine and deeply affecting that the heart is nearly stilled by astonishment" - Dean R Koontz

[Menini]

More stories!!!
_________________

[jazzy]

Once upon a time .....
oh crap ... phone's ringing ...
Shite ... wanted to tell about the time I almost got eaten by a mountain lion ....

[Armedes]

more more.. tell more
_________________
The spartans do not ask how many....

but where!

[mjx1]

Once upon a time Turiana was about too tell a story but then the phone rang...
_________________
"Although the constant shadow of certain death looms over everyday, the pleasures and joys of life can be so fine and deeply affecting that the heart is nearly stilled by astonishment" - Dean R Koontz