Joke

[artanist]

Gorilla Control


A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."


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WorLd is Going Sick !! Let's make it Hot !!

-Coldplay-, we turn boys into men and girls into hot chicks.

[Durago]

A brown bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry we dont serve brown bears beers in this bar"

The bear says "I'll eat that lady sitting there if i don't get a beer"

The bartenders say "So what, you still ain't getting a beer, because we don't serve brown bears beers in this bar."

So the bear eats the woman, and a few minutes later he passes out.

When he wakes up he asks the bartender "What happened.?"


The bartender replies "Oh it musta been that barbiturate."
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Trippin' Thru the Galaxy,
Spreadin' the Spores

[artanist]

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
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WorLd is Going Sick !! Let's make it Hot !!

-Coldplay-, we turn boys into men and girls into hot chicks.

[Senor]

a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "why the long face?"

[Noxus]

Two men are walking get have a good time somewhere. One of the men walks into a bar. The other one ducks.



What does batman say to robin to get him in the car?



"Get in the car."
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-==Frag the Weak, Hurdle the Dead.==-

[MicroJak]

Noxus's one is the only one I understood, and only because I looked twice.



Ok


Two girls are having an argument.

'Your a pushover'
'no I'm not'
'yes you are!'
'yeah I guess I am..'


I made that one up in history today when looking at two girls having an argument.
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[Durago]

[RenéeAB]

I may as well post this again before it becomes obsolete on Nov. 07 this year
From the "Funny Stories" thread > 2 years back a post by my current husband:

DavAlan
Admiral



Joined: 24 Aug 2004
Posts: 668
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Three surgeons are bury arguing over who is the best. 1st one says "I am the best surgeon. I treated someone who lost his arm in a meat grinder, all I had to go on was several pounds of chopped meat and a shoulder blade and he became a famous pianist". 2nd one says, "I got you beat on that I saw a man who lost both his legs in a auto accident, all I had to go on were 2 severed limbs and this one became an olympic track star".
3rd one says "I got you both beat, I saw this guy who had a head on collision with a frieght train on a horse while doing coke, all I had to go on was a horses a$$ and a cowboy hat...

...and he became president of the United States"
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"Hello, my friends, are you visible today? I never knew it could be so strange......shouldn't talk about the weather....shouldn't talk about the government...."

REM - Pop Song 89

[Senor]

three brothers catch a goldfish.
the goldfish pleads: "please, please good brothers, let me live and i will grant three wishes for you each"
the brothers are ok with that and start making their wishes.
the oldest brother wishes for a house. and he gets a real fine one.
the middle brother thinks, hmm my brother got a house, i want a villa!! and he gets a real fine villa indeed.
the youngest brother thinks for ten minutes and then says: "i want my left arm constantly twisting like crazy." the goldfish of course grants that wish also.
then it's time for the second wish.
the oldest brother wishes for a good car and gets a real good car.
the middle brother thinks, hmm my older brother got a good car, I want a ferrary!! and he gets his ferrary parked in front of his villa.
the youngest brother thinks for a half an hour and finnaly says: "i want my right arm constantly twiching." and he gets his right arm twitching.
third wishes.
the oldest brother thinks hmm, i already have a house and a fine car...now i need a good woman to keep everything clean. and he gets a fine woman.
the middle brother thinks, well...my brother got himself a fine woman, I want a supermodel!! and he gets a supermodel.
the youngest of the brothers thinks for a few hours and then says: " i want my head constantly twitching." and his head starts to twich real fast.
so everybody is happy with their wishes and the brothers go separate ways. after 3 years they get together again. the older and middle brother talk about their wifes and cars and houses and then the youngest brother comes with his arms and head twitching like crazy barely able to speak.
"Hey brothers, i think i made some crappy wishes"

[zenachi]

Ah... wishes... reminds me of a couple... not exact though, modified based on how I remember them .

There were three guys that climbed the highest mountain in the world. At the top, they met a powerful wizard, who exclaimed "Congratulations! You're the first people that have made it this far up! As a reward, you can wish for your heart's desire, and upon jumping off the mountain, you will land in it!"
The first man screamed "GOLD!" as he leapt, and landed in an enourmous pile of gold coins. The second man wished for "MONEY!" and landed amongst wads of bills of every denomination. The third man slipped off the top of the mountain and screamed "OH SH*T" and landed in a pile of sh*t.


A young man and his wife were playing golf one day, and when the man was showing his wife how to drive the ball, they accidentally sliced it off to the side. The ball flew through the air and smashed through a house's window. Being an honest couple, the husband and wife went over to the house and knocked on the front door. "Come in," a deep, sonorous voice called. The couple entered the house, and saw that the golf ball had smashed not only through the window, but had gone on and looked to have smashed a beautiful vase as well.
"We're terribly sorry-" the man started, before he was interrupted. "No, no, no, I must thank you," said a shirtless man lounging on a couch, "You have freed me from 4000 years of imprisonment in that vase. I am an immortal genie, and I grant each one wish in my gratitude."
Astonished, the couple discussed what they wanted before responding. "I wish for our bank accounts to be filled with billions of dollars, and to never run out of money," the man said. The genie paused for a moment, then said, "It is done." Excitedly, the woman then said "I wish for a beautiful house for us in each country, with maids and cooks." The genie again paused, then said, "It is done."
"Oh, how can we ever thank you, genie?" exclaimed the man.
"Well, there is one thing... It has been over 4000 years since I've been with a woman, and your wife is extremely beautiful..." the genie said.
The man and wife looked at each other. "Well..." the man said, "I guess if it's alright with you, honey. He did give us all that stuff."
The wife agreed and went upstairs to the bedroom with the genie, where they spent the next few hours enjoying each others' bodies while the husband waited downstairs.
Afterwards, the genie and the wife lay in the bed, exhausted, and the genie turned to the wife. "So may I ask how old you and your husband are?" he asked.
"Oh, we both just turned 30 very recently," the wife responded.
"I see," the genie pondered this for a moment, "And you both still believe in genies?"

And now a short and sweet one to tie it off.

A man emailed an advice columnist for help: "I think my wife is a drug dealer! Yesterday, I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it and before I could say anything a deep male voice on the line said, "Hey honey, is that dope gone yet?"

[artanist]

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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WorLd is Going Sick !! Let's make it Hot !!

-Coldplay-, we turn boys into men and girls into hot chicks.

[MicroJak]

What do cows say when the farmer milks them?



Moooooyeah....
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